20 lokakuuta, 2014


It has been over 3 months since I flew back home, though I feel like my heart didn't come with me. I guess it got lost somewhere between. While writing this I can feel my eyes tearing up, my mind full of emotions I can't fully express. I have no choice but to face the inevitable; I worked my ass off to create a perfect (nearly at least) life just to abandon it after 12 months. If you've ever wondered about the difference between leaving your life back home and leaving your life in your host country, I can give you the answer. You'll get your normal everyday life in you home country back and it has stayed exactly the same it had been for 16 or 17 years, but you will never get back those 12 months you just worked so hard for. And it sucks, sucks really really hard. 

If you'd asked me, how I've been, I would always respond with good good, same as always, happy. I don't wanna bore people back home telling how much I miss my second home, since I already talk about Australia non-stop. Besides, nothing would change, I'd still be miserable, without an answer to my unsolvable problem, and you'd get hurt cause I don't feel like home anymore. 

It feels like a dead end. Knowing that I don't wanna stay here, but I don't really have that exact second home to go back to. It's someone else's now and without realising I hate that person for stealing my life, although it's not even their fault. They probably have no idea I feel like this towards them, but I'll tell them; wait 'til it's your turn and you'll know what I'm going through. At this moment they're going to my school, my host club meetings, talking to my friends and families, living in my homes and even wearing my school uniform. Living the life I had, just their own version of it. I thought I could never be this jealous. 

I would do anything to get back. And I have; saved all the money I've got and got a job to get some more. I've been working so hard for getting even a glimpse of my other home again. It has paid off, soon I'll have flight tickets booked and my head twirling around Australia again. I promised them I'd be back and I'll keep that promise. 

Just don't get me wrong; I've been happy, I always am. I just wanna be happier and that's all I'm asking for. 

P.S. I don't know if this the end of my blog or not, the time will tell. Those who stayed with me throughout my year, I'd like to thank you. For joining me on the best experience of my life. It changed me for good and I'll appreciate that forever.